In the earlier stages of Alzheimer's Disease mainly the short term memory is impaired. People can't find keys or forget why they're in a room. It tends to take longer before the long term memory is affected. As a result it is common to forget recent events and still talk at length about childhood memories.
This was the case with Mike. He would often go off on long tangents about things. As his disease got worse, his social interaction was affected more and more. He would be talking and looking at you but there was very little to no connection. Plus he would often change stories or topics mid-sentence, which made the conversation almost impossible to follow.
During these tangents, we would often hear small snippets about Owen Sound or about his Mother and he'd often use the word Home to describe them. Throughout his life, Mike has always had strong ties and memories to Owen Sound, where he grew up, and his family, especially his Mom. So it came as no shock that these are the memories that would be resurfacing.
Despite the fact that we have lived in our home in Kingsville for twenty some years, Mike would start talking about Home. It was almost always during times when the house was loud and full of commotion that it would come up. We would try to explain to him that he was home, that this is where he lives. Finally, in agitation, he would get up, announce "I'm going home, I'm going home" and walk out the front door. Most of the time he'd make it to the mailbox, pause for a few moments and come back inside. As time passed we started to notice that this tended to happen more when the house was busy and loud. He visited Owen Sound with my Mom and she was surprised by his lack of interest or lack of triggers. He didn`t seem to recognize the place the way she thought he would.
When discussing this with his personal support worker, we learned that this is common and that we were misunderstanding the meaning. Mike associates the word Home with a familiar place, a place where he feels love and acceptance. So in reality, by saying he wants to go home, Mike is expressing a need for love rather than a need to visit Owen Sound. So in those moments of chaos, Mike is seeking love and peace but doesn't know how to express it.
Its made me reassess what is important to me, where is my familiar place and where do I feel love? In other words, where is my Home? Home can be a place, it can be a person, it can be a feeling.
In a way, Home means all of these things to me. There are places I would call Home, but its more about how I feel in those places and about those places that make them truly Home. I think I've learned from Mike to associate the word Home with more of a feeling. A place where I feel safe and loved or maybe inspired. I've learned from both my parents to find Home in the outdoors, when I'm in nature.
Mike likes to take long walks. He has done this for years to relieve stress and as a hobby but now one of us needs to go along with him. On one of these occasions, Mike and I took a few trips around the neighbourhood. It was a beautiful warm day and the sun was just starting to set. After awhile, Mike started telling me that he would like to go home and that he was getting tired. As we finally neared home, Mike suddenly stopped outside of our front yard and wouldn't move to come inside. I was confused and said, Mike you said you wanted to go home!
He looked up at me so surprised as if he couldn't fathom saying that. Indignantly he replied, "I would never say that!!" and off he went for another lap around the neighbourhood.
All I could do was laugh and run after him. Special moments with him, wherever we are, is truly Home.
A picture I took
that day of the sun
setting over a wheat field
near our Home.
